Revelations

I was driving home alone. God had appointed for me to show up at Discovery on sunday. Linda saw me and said she had something she wanted to share. She pulled me aside and had some feedback for me. Lol... feedback. I should have known where it was headed but I was blindsided. She began by sharing how incredible my husbands weekend was (he was one of the assistants for the first time that weekend). she then shared how his heart was so open, fresh and new again and suggested I work on my "over helping" and allow him to flourish... in his time... and in God's time. I could feel myself become defensive. I tried to 'win her over' and share stories of how I have been working on "over helping" already, and how I have been trusting God and letting God do His thing.


Then I sat in the car, driving home. All the kids had missed Phillip so much they were all in his car for the trip home. It wasn't more than 30 minutes, but it was enough time for God to move my heart. I began digging deeper. Dissecting the conversation I just had with Linda. It all came swirling in, but the message was there. I struggle with pride. Maybe not in the way most people think of it, but when someone gives me constructive feedback my defenses go up, and I must win them over to show that the flaw does not exist or that I am already aware and working on it. I asked myself why I really do that. I mean, Linda had been right. I needed to hear what she had told me, but why did I react the way I did? Why do I always react that way? I still struggle with anger. I hate that about myself. I began talking with God about that and asking for his help. Then I realized I don't  fully trust God. I argue with him regularly... daily... hourly... by the minute... every waking breath (and most of my half asleep ones too). When he asks me to do something, the reason I do not act on it is because I simply am not sure I trust the outcome.  I do not trust that he is truly looking out for the best for me. Logically I believe he is, but in my heart, when situations arise, I struggle.

Then my thoughts wondered to my children. Why do they not obey me? Why is every single task a struggle? The thing I came to is that they don't ultimately believe that I have their best interest at heart. Then it hit me... why do marriages struggle... why does my marriage falter when it does? Because one of us (or likely both) feel that the other spouse only has their own interests at heart. To really build a lasting relationship you must deeply know the other person has your best interest at heart. You must know it inside out, you must believe it when days are dark and gray even more than days that are sunny and full of joy. Then that led me to the ultimate question, how do I let my spouse and children know that I have their best interest at heart?

My answer.... Let God move through me. But if I'm honest with myself, that is why I'm in this mess, I struggle with giving over little bits of time. I struggle with really investing, I struggle with stopping MY to-do list and doing GOD's to-do list. And there I am... full circle. I "over-help" my husband and my marriage b/c I want it done on my time. I don't fully trust God with this. I get mad at my kids b/c I want to leave on my schedule, not God's schedule.... But I'll get there when I get there. If it's an urgent matter, then start packing up early. There is no reason to get that mad though, even if I'm late... but I don't trust God with this, most of all. It's my to-do list, not His. So the remedy is to let God speak to me through my kids and spouse. Let them teach me daily priorities. Play time, cleaning up, chores, homework, etc. Let God teach me through them. When they ask for help, stop what I am doing without grumbling. Ultimately, he is teaching me to put their needs before mine... and that applies to so much more than my kids or husband. That will flow into how I answer Him when he asks me to go do some crazy Love thing for some random stranger that will make people stare at me, but if I put their needs before mine, then it won't bother me.

Ok God. I'm ready. Your Move.