Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control (Joyce Meyer Conference)

I have the fruits of the spirit inside me even when I don't feel like I do.

I just need to claim them out loud, and ask God to help me.

If I really don't feel some of the fruits and I am wallowing in my own personal little pity party, then just ask God for someone else to bless. Just ask God to give me a way to love on someone else today.

I'm posting this because I need it. I need this reminder everyday and I might just post it on my mirror. Today I need this help and the "I REALLY don't feel it," kind of help. Just thinking about loving someone else has already made a difference in my mood. It will take 30 minutes or more to come down off this plateau, but I know helping others is the best way to get back to God and out of focusing on whatever is hurting so bad. today is a short entry, it's all I've got without fixating on negative thoughts. So look out world, I'm going to help someone today. Suck it satan.

Revelations

I was driving home alone. God had appointed for me to show up at Discovery on sunday. Linda saw me and said she had something she wanted to share. She pulled me aside and had some feedback for me. Lol... feedback. I should have known where it was headed but I was blindsided. She began by sharing how incredible my husbands weekend was (he was one of the assistants for the first time that weekend). she then shared how his heart was so open, fresh and new again and suggested I work on my "over helping" and allow him to flourish... in his time... and in God's time. I could feel myself become defensive. I tried to 'win her over' and share stories of how I have been working on "over helping" already, and how I have been trusting God and letting God do His thing.


Then I sat in the car, driving home. All the kids had missed Phillip so much they were all in his car for the trip home. It wasn't more than 30 minutes, but it was enough time for God to move my heart. I began digging deeper. Dissecting the conversation I just had with Linda. It all came swirling in, but the message was there. I struggle with pride. Maybe not in the way most people think of it, but when someone gives me constructive feedback my defenses go up, and I must win them over to show that the flaw does not exist or that I am already aware and working on it. I asked myself why I really do that. I mean, Linda had been right. I needed to hear what she had told me, but why did I react the way I did? Why do I always react that way? I still struggle with anger. I hate that about myself. I began talking with God about that and asking for his help. Then I realized I don't  fully trust God. I argue with him regularly... daily... hourly... by the minute... every waking breath (and most of my half asleep ones too). When he asks me to do something, the reason I do not act on it is because I simply am not sure I trust the outcome.  I do not trust that he is truly looking out for the best for me. Logically I believe he is, but in my heart, when situations arise, I struggle.

Then my thoughts wondered to my children. Why do they not obey me? Why is every single task a struggle? The thing I came to is that they don't ultimately believe that I have their best interest at heart. Then it hit me... why do marriages struggle... why does my marriage falter when it does? Because one of us (or likely both) feel that the other spouse only has their own interests at heart. To really build a lasting relationship you must deeply know the other person has your best interest at heart. You must know it inside out, you must believe it when days are dark and gray even more than days that are sunny and full of joy. Then that led me to the ultimate question, how do I let my spouse and children know that I have their best interest at heart?

My answer.... Let God move through me. But if I'm honest with myself, that is why I'm in this mess, I struggle with giving over little bits of time. I struggle with really investing, I struggle with stopping MY to-do list and doing GOD's to-do list. And there I am... full circle. I "over-help" my husband and my marriage b/c I want it done on my time. I don't fully trust God with this. I get mad at my kids b/c I want to leave on my schedule, not God's schedule.... But I'll get there when I get there. If it's an urgent matter, then start packing up early. There is no reason to get that mad though, even if I'm late... but I don't trust God with this, most of all. It's my to-do list, not His. So the remedy is to let God speak to me through my kids and spouse. Let them teach me daily priorities. Play time, cleaning up, chores, homework, etc. Let God teach me through them. When they ask for help, stop what I am doing without grumbling. Ultimately, he is teaching me to put their needs before mine... and that applies to so much more than my kids or husband. That will flow into how I answer Him when he asks me to go do some crazy Love thing for some random stranger that will make people stare at me, but if I put their needs before mine, then it won't bother me.

Ok God. I'm ready. Your Move.

Movement

Where does movement come from? or where should it come from? Ideally it does and should come from the same place, but why is that not accurate of what most churches teach?

My friend just said something that sparked a thought for me. "Everything Jesus did was a movement out of his compassionate heart. He did nothing out of cold duty and obligation." I'll say that again "Everything Jesus did was a movement out of his compassionate heart. He did nothing out of cold duty and obligation." Does that seem to be the message the church sends us these days? No way.

I grew up Methodist and had friends that were Muslim, Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, Church of Christ,  Presbyterian, and I am sure other denominations that I can't even remember off the top of my head. I now attend a Non-Denominational church. Why? Because of the exact comment my friend made. If we (Christ followers) are to be Christ-like, then why are all these faiths/denominations teaching us to move out of duty and obligation? Why are all these faiths showing us that we serve because we should? Why do they teach that we should do a Hail Mary Full of Grace to be right with God or that we go to church on Sunday, look nice, say certain prayers and sing specific songs? Some say it is because that is what Jesus set up the church to look like. However, that is not the Jesus that the Bible talks about. That is what Jesus talks about despising! That is what Jesus says he died for us NOT TO DO! No more ritualistic sacrifices, or wearing cotton verse polyester, or whether we cut our hair or don't. That is not what the rules were made for. What God made so that we could glorify Him, we turned into corruption and made them into a list of behaviors we could check off a list and just obey so that we know we were fine, but then never be truly changed or different. Jesus died so we would STOP checking off a list and start moving out of the compassion of our hearts again.

Something our pastor said Sunday also makes my point. He grew up baptist, I believe, but denomination doesn't really matter. He also experienced the 'movement out of obligation and duty.' The church was there to make sure they were following all the 'rules' but no one was checking along the way that hearts were being changed. No one was checking to make sure that people were different today than they were yesterday and no one was checking to see if people were in a different place this year than they were last year. They had the rules down but the movement from compassion that Jesus fought so hard to teach, was strangely missing. It had become duty, it had become obligation.

Why? Because those actions: feeding the poor in Africa, paying bills for people on hard times, tithing, attending church and sunday school, etc. had become "just what you do" instead of moving from a shared pain.  Then I get political about it. Why do we rely on the government to feed the poor and help pay bills for those who lost their jobs? Because people have forgotten the art of being so moved by compassion that the 'Haves' reach out to the 'Have-nots'. For every need in this world, there is someone else (or a group of someone-elses) that can help fill that need. That is the world that Jesus came to teach us about.  My friend boiled down Jesus' entire ministry into one thought! Move out of compassion, stop following the stupid rules and move out of compassion.

My remedy was to attend a church where that was their mission. My moms remedy was to build a church in her community where that is their mission. I hope and pray that our culture does not give up on churches, but that they find Jesus' true mission and they find a church home, or make one as my mom and step-dad did, and help foster the message of movement from compassion and not from duty. Jesus' message is still alive and being practiced and it creates real life and freedom, it is there for the taking, are you looking?

Sign Language

Ok, my friend Tim totally called me out on something I said. I love how Aristotle talks about in order to be a good person you must do good things, thinking good thoughts doesn't make you good, action makes you good or bad. It's what you do that matters and it's what you do that makes you who you are. I posted on Facebook, "Aristotle was one of the first to promote what we know as the Nike slogan, "Just Do It". He called me out because in my last post I said I felt God pushing me to change my degree to be more associated with Sign Language and that maybe I would do it. What I left out is that all summer God has been reminding me about my passion for Sign Language. One time I was just sitting in my brothers office chatting with him and for the first time in the history of his business (6 years), in walked a deaf customer and I just happened to be there. I knew it was God. There were other similar situations all summer, but despite God speaking to me clearly, I have obviously not heeded His nudges.


After Tim called me out on my last post, I began asking God to be clear and show me if that really was what he wanted me to do. Tim calling me out was my first confirmation. Then I went to church on wednesday. We only have our wednesday Unplugged service once a month and worship was amazing as usual. Then came the sharing. Our music guru, Rami, had a woman stand up to share about yielding to God. She shared about how she felt God calling her to serve youth without role models and teach them about art. When she was done, Rami, told us what she left out. She was well equipped to have a stable, reliable, "normal" job. She was well educated and most people in her life encouraged her to get jobs doing things that she could use her skills to do. However, she heard God asking her to do something different. She yielded to God, she listened to His desire for her life. She gave way to Him and allowed him to give birth to a new vision inside her. She created an organization that pairs adults with underprivileged kids to teach them about art. It struck a chord with me. God used her story to touch my story. I feel this was my second confirmation. God was saying, "Trust me, Yield to me, put aside that normal job you are aiming for and go do what I gave you the passion to do. Sign Language."

So I decided on wednesday to do it. To put my Bachelors degree on hold again. However, a small part of me remained indecisive, unsure, skeptical. Then today, I sat down to do my reading for my English Composition class and the article we were given to do our first paper on is written from the perspective of a deaf woman.  I connected with it right away, but didn't immediately see it as another sign from Dad. However, the story moved me. I had to sit for a moment after reading to just soak it all in. That's when I felt God was showing me, "I'm not going to leave this alone. I have stirred something in your heart, this is your passion. I want to use it." 


So I'm excited. I know that doesn't mean put my schooling on hold, it just means that starting next semester I will be working towards my Associates in ASL (American Sign Language). Alright God, here I am.

God put blogging in me

I know God called me back to school, he made it clear that I was to quit my job. I thought I was quitting to find something better, I even looked for jobs, but then he made it abundantly clear that i was to go back to school. I can't remember what happened, but I know my husband and I prayed over it a lot and it was exactly what He wanted. So I did. I quit my job, I applied to our local community college and off I went.

I am in my second semester and reading a lot in philosophy and God is talking a lot through it. He is also showing up in music and every where else, too. Some days I doubt, some days I don't see it or feel it and I doubt if it's there, but days like today I FEEL it. I KNOW it. He is there. He cherishes me. He has a plan for even me. I'm not athletic, I'm not musical, I'm not GREAT at anything. As a kid I was the 'odd man out'. I didn't fit in and I didn't belong to any group. How on earth could God use me. I had nothing to offer.

Interestingly enough, God put a desire in my heart, but I had no idea at the time. I sat in the pew of my church as I saw my youth leader interpret (Sing Language), the most beautiful song. I still remember the song. Breath of Heaven. Man I love that song.  Everyone loves to watch sign language. It is beautiful, it is complicated, it is powerful. When I married my husband, for our first christmas he got me sign language classes, and so began the passion. That was 6 and a half years ago. I know enough sign language to be frustrated. I am intimated by it and I use my head too much and my heart not enough. I let the self talk and self doubt talk me out of learning more... but God won't let me. He keeps bringing it back up, he keeps shouting from a mountain and if I am really honest with myself... I never feel as alive as I do when I am signing.

I keep feeling God tugging on my heart to trust him. just trust Him. The enemy blocks most strongly what God wants. I feel a road block with sign language, but that isn't from God. It's me. it's the enemy. I am scared to just take a semester to do sign language, but I feel like I NEED to. Maybe, just maybe, i'll do it.